she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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