He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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