Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
