she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I am midnight drunk by noon
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
