so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
