i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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