I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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