I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
