Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
