Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
