she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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