she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
