my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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