Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
