I wish I could teleport
so that wasnt chicken after all
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
