I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I deserve this hangover.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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