Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
