the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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