You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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