just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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