There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
