Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
