I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
