first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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