Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
