Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize