remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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