We're facebook friends in real life
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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