There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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