miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
