The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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