Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
