Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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