I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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