you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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