Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize