shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
