I'm so fucking centered right now
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
