i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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