remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think I just sharted jello shots
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