Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
