I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
