So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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