mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
