I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
