Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize