So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
