Me too!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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