Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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