I wish I could punch you in the face.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
