you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize