My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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