I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
