Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Randomize
