Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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