Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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