i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
