I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
