The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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