My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
