I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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